I’ve been working for quite a while on growing better boundaries, especially with my kids. I’ve written about learning to “hold my no’s” and to make “my feelings matter.” Still, I have a long way to go.
Recently, I had a new lightbulb click of insight in this area, when we had the opportunity to go on a horseback trail ride at Pipestem Resort State Park. (It was heavenly!)
The horses, being horses, would try to stop and eat the grass at every opportunity unless the rider made it clear not to. (This was a big lesson in assertiveness for my quiet nine-year-old daughter!)
When we got back to the cabin and I was walking our two dogs around outside on their leashes, I suddenly felt a new understanding of how I have to be the boss. Just like the horses eating the grass, the dogs (especially Papaya) will go where they want to go, unless I make it clear not to.
Just like with the horses, Papaya is not hurt by a firm tug on the leash and a sharp command. Rather, those actions tell her what she is supposed to do, as well as make it clear that I’m in charge.
It was an easy leap from there to my kids: very obviously, they do whatever they want unless I set and enforce clear limits. Which I’m not always great at.
The key that clicked for me is that I can be firm and authoritative without harming them. Just because some adults are cruel and abusive to children doesn’t mean that it’s not possible to be both authoritative and kind.
I can set and hold to clear limits, while also having a gentle and affectionate manner. (If I do speak sharply, we can repair when the moment is passed.) I can set limits without being mean.
Lists help me remember things, so here’s one I can use:
Setting limits with my kids (and dogs) is:
up to me
not harmful to them
actually healthy for them
It’s not always simple (kids are obviously more complex than dogs!)—and there’s still the matter that, as I wrote about last time in this section, I will not railroad over my kids’ capacity and consent—but I think there’s still a lot of room for both being attuned to their needs and holding to clear boundaries.
And of course, it is a true need of kids to have structure, routine, and clear limits. For example, I have found it especially essential to uphold our screentime limits and routine. If I start stretching the limits and making exceptions, thinking I’m being flexible and generous, it always ends up leading to more dysregulation all around.
Diving deeper into my own psyche, I think part of why I have tended toward laxness with my dogs and children is that I myself was so harmed by being forced away from my own inner boundaries that I can't bear to do that to them. Therefore, healing for me involves learning that setting limits and being the boss with them is not the same as what was done to me.
I still have a long way to go, but I’m grateful for this boost in boundaries-learning! (even better that it was inspired by horses!!🐴 )