"My Feelings Matter" (MFM) Bootcamp

They need me to respect my own needs.

School is out, so parenting bootcamp is in. Underneath more concrete plans and aims, I am deeply hoping that this summer—my first as a stay-at-home mom—will bring a big boost in the learning I’ve been trying to do.

For shorthand, I call this learning track “My Feelings Matter” (MFM). It’s simply learning to consider and respect my own feelings rather than ignore and suppress them, as I was taught to do.

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MFM Bootcamp 2.0

Last summer, my best friend and I kept a mutual tally of awarding ourselves points each time we acted with consideration of our own feelings, as a way to retrain our brains from our childhood programming.

We may do it again this summer (does anyone reading this want to join?), but with a leveled-up mindset: now, when we say “My feelings matter,” it does not feel like a radical assertion, as it did last year. Now it feels like crucial logic, as I wrote about in my recent post “Learning to Reach for Joy”:

My children and the others in my small circle depend on me to take good care of myself—so my feelings critically matter.

And in fact, not consulting my actual feelings is not showing up for them—or for the larger world—as a real, honest, authentic person to relate to.

So this summer I’m hoping to grow much further in my MFM practice—to more strongly and deeply live from my own feelings, and thus be more truly, richly present for my children.

I’m ready for MFM bootcamp 2.0.

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What it may look like in practical terms

I think it may look on the outside like being the opposite of an idealized mother. Rather than hovering around them with smiling attentiveness, I may be:

• essentially ignoring them while they play and I cook dinner with my headphones on,

• saying no and letting them fuss about it,

• or telling them to wait while I finish my writing time.

But I think that is very much my direction of correction. I’ve tended to be too hovery, too obliging, and too willing to sacrifice my own wants and needs for their gratification (as I was taught). May this be the summer that stops.

After all, I want them to grow to be independent, resilient, and courageous—and I think they’ll only grow that way if they have a lot of space in which to practice being bored, dissatisfied, and frustrated, within the limits of secure attachment.

Therefore, the more I grow in respecting my needs, the better for their growth, too—which may turn out to be even more motivating for me to practice MFM than for my own sake.

So I aim to keep reminding myself: They need me to stick to my needs like glue!

…or like mushrooms and moss to a log (which we saw on our walk today…does anyone know what kind of mushrooms those are?)

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