I was thinking recently about rules—not the official kind, but the subtle, internal kind: the unspoken rules we strain to meet, often without even realizing.
There are rules we make up for ourselves and then think we have to follow them. (Maybe this is just a neurodivergent thing, I don’t know, but most people I know do it!) For example, I’ll tell myself that I have to get the laundry done today, then feel discouraged when I’m not able to get it done. Meanwhile, my nine-year-old (“Twin 1”) has a rule that she won’t eat a “breakfast” food like cereal unless it is literally breakfast time.
These kinds of rules can be limiting—but easily helped by self-inquiry: “what am I thinking and why?”
A much bigger problem is the kind of rules we internalize from the conditions of our growing-up years.
It’s my understanding that children who grow up with harsh requirements for their behavior live in a chronic state of stress from straining to meet those rules—and this stress continues even after they’re grown up. For some people it looks like chronic feelings of shame and anxiety, while for others it can look like depression and despair.
The work of healing, then, involves identifying those rules we had to strain to meet, noticing when they show up in our minds, and then choosing new rules to live by.
I think I especially tried so hard growing up to follow the rules of my church/religion as well as of my neurotypical world (and of my parents, who were also trying hard to follow those rules)—to this day I’m still sorting out what unspoken rules I’m still trying to follow.
An example of a new, chosen “rule” for me is “I’m allowed to not be perfect”—calling out and contradicting my old, internalized rule that I must try to be (essentially) perfect.
For a close friend of mine, “I don’t have to not be fat” would be a helpful rewrite to her internalized rule from childhood that she must not be fat.
For my husband, “I don’t have to hold everything together” would be a counter-rule to his ingrained sense that he must keep it all together.
What are some internal rules you still tend to live by—that you don’t actually have to follow anymore?
My poems below offer more reflections on this theme.
River Roundup
Section posts from the past week
🏝️Book Beach
🌀Divergence Deeps
🪷Serenity Splashes
a rap poem
Perfect
is what
you don't have to be
anymore.
The one
this life
that you're living
is for
is you!
Beautiful human
you are--
messes and all--
your molecules came
from a star.
a song I’m working on for self-soothing
This part is hard, but you’re finding your way. Compassion to you. Things will be okay.
on mental health, unmasking, and growing up
The rules
we learn to follow
follow us
and sometimes chase us down
with shame
and stress.
"Keep it together."
"Smile."
"Don't show pain."
The shadows
of our early rules
remain,
darkening our minds
and moods,
until
we learn to see
and rewrite them
at will.
The weight you've been trying to hold from the way you were treated and told you'd better shape up, instead of being supported and led-- this burden's still keeping you bound. It's okay to start setting it down.
looking back at my growing-up years in church
All those times I thought I was wrong and sinful for wanting to run and hide from the pious, pushy, worshipping throng-- I just had different needs inside.
perspective reminders to my “little mind” (ego)
Little mind, life is not a puzzle to solve, nor a mountain to finally climb. It's a sandbox you're in, with the sand you are given, each moment at a time.
I think it's interesting that the new rules are so much more compassionate and permissive. I definitely struggle with this, especially when it comes to "rules" about people-pleasing. A better way would probably be to say "I must check with myself before dismissing my own needs." 😅 As always, love this thought-provoking reflection! ❤️