I’m thinking about power dynamics and abuse, both on a public/national level (especially given the recent devastations of ICE and the Epstein files) and a private/domestic level, such as within a marriage or other personal relationship. Here are some of my current reflections and working models.
Bullies cannot see the harm they cause
On the public/national level, what I observe are cries of outrage from the victims’ side seeming to go utterly unabsorbed by the abusers’ side. The wealthy, powerful men and their minions seem to feel not only untouchable but also unaware that there’s anything really wrong with their actions.
On the private/domestic level, what I observe are men who have been so culturally influenced by patriarchy and authoritarianism that they don’t really see anything wrong with, say, cussing their wives out when they’re angry or scolding children who don’t obey them.
This has all baffled me, most of all from the perspective of asking what, then, the people on the victim-end of those power dynamics are supposed to do. Clearly, just speaking up about the harm is not enough.
I am now forming a guess, however.
My guess is that those on the power side of a longstanding power dynamic cannot emotionally or intellectually grasp what it’s like to be on the victim side of that dynamic.
Fully enmeshed with a sense of entitlement to their power, they cannot understand the harm they are causing. Attempts to shame or persuade them will not work.
There is only one thing that will work: boundaries.
They can only see a solid wall (boundary)
Bullies cannot, of their own accord,
understand what harm they cause,
nor can they be persuaded,
only stopped by boundary-walls.— “Bully Stopping,” my Serenity Splash poem for today
It seems to me that hard, full-stop boundaries are the only thing that can stop the abuse of power.
Boundaries sound like this: “I will not tolerate this treatment; therefore, I will ____.”
Examples of boundaries:
public/national level:
“I will not be voting for you.”
“I will call Congress to demand change until it’s done.”
“I will exercise my freedom of speech to condemn this action.”
private/domestic level:
“I will exit this conversation/relationship if you cuss at me.”
“I will not allow you unsupervised time with our children until you go to therapy for your anger issues.”
“I will begin filming you if you start shouting at me while we’re in the car.”
Boundaries & creativity
Finding effective boundaries may involve creativity on the part of the boundary-setters. (In cases of serious, dangerous abuse and/or fascist regimes, there may not be many/any options available; survival then becomes the primary consideration.)
For those of you who know HPMOR (Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality), in the early arc when Harry is accusing Snape of emotional abuse, Dumbledore and the others cannot hear/receive what Harry is saying. Dumbledore says, “One does not speak of a Hogwarts professor in those terms.” They only hear extreme, status-quo-busting accusations from someone on the non-dominant side of the power hierarchy. Harry has to resort to creative blackmail measures to get them to listen. I’m not advocating for blackmail in real life, obviously, but this strikes me as a poignant fictional example of creative boundary-finding to deal with abuse of power.
Further complications
The loaded word “abuse”
That example also highlights for me how loaded the word “abuse” is for people. For anyone who is hearing the word, rather than using it themselves, I think it tends to sound extreme and alarmist. I don’t have an answer for this…I suppose my main conclusion here is to not expect abusers to respond to the word “abuse.”
They will only respond to hard boundaries that force them to stop.
The prevalence of emotional abuse
Further, when it comes to emotional abuse specifically, I think that emotional abuse is so prevalent and normalized in our culture that most people don’t really even know what it is. (To be clear, I have been one of them: I am only now grasping it.) It just seems like how people normally relate. It seems to me that television shows are full of people emotionally abusing each other, and that we as a society are very desensitized to emotional abuse.
Trying to control other people through fear and shame is emotional abuse, and it’s not okay.
In other words, it’s NOT the way to build a healthy, collaborative, wellbeing-maximizing world.
I think that’s all for now; thanks for reading my reflections. I am interested in any comments, counter-perspectives, or connections you may have to offer, since I am still very much learning about these issues!
Your model about bullies not seeing harm really clicks, expanding on your previous debugging of power dynamics.
I think the other side of the theory is that abusers know _exactly_ what it feels like to be on the victim side, and they abuse to keep themselves safe. If they see the world as a dichotomy where you either have the power or you're a victim, their (subconscious, perhaps) fear of being a victim would drive them to abuse others.