One major aspect of my growth journey is learning to take my own needs seriouslyāenough to apply my best intelligence to the project of accommodating them.
Maybe most of us are still learning to relate to our needs this way. Unless you grew up in the care of emotionally mature parents who showed you how to relate to your needs with matter-of-fact consideration, you are probably somewhere on this same journey with me.
Part of this growing-up work is understanding that our needs are not merely optional. We really do need sleep, food, water, functioning bodies, shelter, income, connection with others, etc. Beyond those obvious and universal needs, we also really do need the particular things that help our particular nervous systems stay regulated. These vary from person to person (exercise/rest, organized living space/creative messiness, quiet/background noise, solitude/social time, etc.), but theyāre still critical; theyāre not just quirks or idiosyncrasies.
I was recently reading about Temple Grandin, and she seems to me like a role model in this area. Her nervous system reacted strongly against human touch, but she still needed the calming pressure of being heldāand this led her to eventually create her squeeze machine. Of course, she did have the advantage of resources that not all of us have, but I think itās amazing that she took her needs so seriously that she created something entirely new in pursuit of accommodating them.
By contrast, I learned from an early age to ignore my needs and feelings. My whole existence was a carefully honed performance of untroubledness for the benefit of my family and church. It wasnāt even just a performanceāI became that role. āI am one who is fine and goodā: that was my identityāuntil I just couldnāt manage to do it anymore.
So it makes sense that for a long time after I learned about autism, I thought I couldnāt be autistic because āI didnāt have sensory needs.ā Ha! Of course I didnāt think I had sensory needs: that would require treating my feelings like they mattered.
Now that Iāve finally started doing that, here I am with my noise-cancelling headphones and sunglasses indoors, hiding from people who might interrupt my precious trains of thought, struggling with the itchy seams of my pantsā¦and so on. I majorly have sensory needs. It turns out, everyone has themāthatās what it means to have a body! Some of us are just more high-maintenance than others.
Hereās what I have been learning about my own particular needs lately: I have a real, valid, sensory need for quiet and solitudeāuninterrupted mindspace in which to think, create, and write.
What helps me own up to that fact is the belief that itās not my fault that my current life circumstances do not accommodate this need wellābut it is my job to keep trying to find ways to accommodate it.
I think that starts with taking my need for quiet, solitariness, and writing time much more seriously. Itās certainly difficult, being a mother of young kids, but this is my challenge and my path. Itās my practice, my koan, my question to live.
Plus, the more I keep trying to accommodate my own needs along with theirs, the more I will teach and show them how to do the same.
Some further thoughts on the how of this:
I want to stop thinking of my need for solitude as optionalāor, worse, something to apologize forā¦which Iām kind of endlessly doing, when it comes to my perceived failures of staying in touch with people.
I want to proactively and ongoingly look for ways to meet this need, both externally (such as trying to make new regular times for writing and solitude) and internally (by cultivating a richer inner life and practicing mental boundaries moreāthat is, detaching emotionally from others and attaching closer to myself). I know that writing is my #1 tool hereā¦so I need way more writing!
One thing Iām trying right now toward that end is the Story a Day in May challenge. Iāve only gotten one story partly written so farā¦but thatās better than zero! And Iām glad to have the push. Anyone want to join me? (I asked my faithful writer friend Joshua Robinson to join and he said heās in! Howās it going so far, Josh?)
Iāve also found my way to the Finch self-care app, where you can set self-care goals and get little rewards. If any of you use it and want to be āfriendsā on there, let me know!
What specific-to-you needs have you been dismissing or ignoring, instead of taking seriously and seeking ways to accommodate? May we keep finding ways to accommodate our needs so we can be the best versions of ourselves. š»
River Roundup
Section posts from the past week
āļø Parenting Puddles
āSo the content doesnāt matter when my kids are melting down: what they need is co-regulation, until theyāre feeling steady again and ready to function. Then we can calmly discuss the content of the meltdown.ā
šŖ·Serenity Splashes
a fun poem for Earth Day (belatedly)
Winter does its duty, then spring shakes its booty till summer's indolence-- then fall restores sense. I'm grateful for the chance to join this earthy dance.
a reminder for my anxious mind
Itās not my job to control how things go or to keep people happy. I canāt, anyhow. It is my job to attend to the needs of my body and mind in the here and now.
on looking past the hills to see the mountains
Welcome, new hero. You have the right to your own choices: it's your life! Pushing back against the ones who held you back is just step one: now you step up to the throne and rule your life like it's your own.
on creating
Whenever you go to create, look inside you, not outside-- not what others say and make-- follow what lights up your mind.