It seems to me that practically speaking, everything goes back to our nervous systems. They run the show of our lives.
When my kids are melting down, it’s because their nervous systems are activated into threat response. Same with the husband, and same with me. Same with other people in other contexts, as well.
This is why authoritarian approaches to parenting are ineffective and traumatizing. Creatures in threat response won’t benefit by being commanded to behave properly. They need to feel safe again.
So the content doesn’t matter when my kids are melting down: what they need is co-regulation, until they’re feeling steady again and ready to function. Then we can calmly discuss the content of the meltdown.
This usually looks like slowing and quieting things down and taking time to sit with them, help them calm down, and listen to what they need.
And the most crucial thing of all, therefore, is focusing on regulating myself—staying observant of how I’m feeling and practicing my go-to regulation and self-soothing strategies to help myself in moments of dysregulation.
I’m still finding my way with all of this, but this model seems like the most effective one I’ve found yet. It’s just a matter of keeping on practicing it…because it’s not easy!!
It’s like my poem from a few years ago called “Our Bodies Drive Us More than We Know”:
My toddler launches herself onto the floor and cries when she’s tired. My older kids fixate on random demands when they're hungry. My husband picks fights when he’s stressed. My friend thinks of suicide when she hasn’t been sleeping. I spiral in anxiety when I’m overstimulated. Our bodies drive us more than we know. May we learn to take care of them without being taken in by them.
Through every day’s meltdowns, tantrums, squabbles, and tears, that’s what I’m still trying to learn. ☔️