Before, I would have rolled my eyes, cringed, or frowned repressively at the idea of “reaching for joy.” How selfish and shallow, I would have thought.
Back then, I didn’t really understand what joy was. I associated it with superficial happiness, like splurging on an unnecessary impulse purchase that you later regret.
The old me really could not have understood what joy was, I think, because joy comes from something I did not yet have: a life where my actual feelings matter.
Radical Logic
It’s been a long road and it’s not finished yet, but now I’m at the point where my life is deliberately built around my feelings. When I say “my feelings matter” now, it doesn’t feel like a radical assertion (as it did even just a year ago) but a statement of cold, crucial logic.
My children and the others in my small circle depend on me to take good care of myself—so my feelings critically matter.
And in fact, not consulting my actual feelings is not showing up for them—or for the larger world—as a real, honest, authentic person to relate to.
I don’t want to spend my life on autopilot. I want to bring my full awareness to the table.
And just lately I’ve found a shortcut for taking good care of myself and showing up as an authentic person: reaching for joy.
(It still sounds pretty radical! But hopefully it, too, will fade into cold logic with time.)
When I reach for joy, I pretty quickly figure out where I’ve strayed from the path of self-connection, and I see the way to move back in that direction—even though it may feel messy, hard, and not in keeping with my rigid attempts to get things under control. It turns out there’s something far better than “control” (which is an illusion anyway!).
“Uhhh…joy? What?”
Last night I was feeling tired and stressed during the kids’ bedtime process, and I was groping around in my mind for helpful mantras/wisdom, but nothing was really clicking. Then I remembered my recent practice of “reaching for joy”—and my mind went, “Uhhhh…joy? What?”
That’s when I realized that I was entirely focused on accomplishing the goal of getting the kids in bed, with my own needs nowhere on the horizon. (In Zen words, one might say I was being driven by ego rather than mindfully inhabiting the moment.)
Having noticed that, I realized I needed to eat, pee, and go change the laundry over. So I let the kids play for a bit while I went and did those things. Then I was able to come back and be much more mentally present with them during their bedtime process.
It wasn’t that I felt a feeling of joy as in happiness or bliss then, but that I was more connected to my body and my mind—and that felt much more joy-like and joy-ready.
Lessons in Joy-reaching
Since I keep having moments similar to the above story, I’ve distilled out a few general lessons from my “reaching for joy” explorations so far:
Reaching for joy is a shortcut for sanity. “Reaching for joy” keeps being a helpful cue or access point for:
practicing mindfulness,
connecting with my body,
tending my needs,
finding my boundaries,
staying grounded,
inhabiting the present moment,
regulating my feelings,
and generally, just being sane.
Reaching for joy benefits everyone around me. Because reaching for joy involves connecting with my actual feelings, reaching for joy helps me bring my authentic feelings and intelligence to my relationships.
I am finally understanding this concept that blew my mind when I first read it, in one of my all-time favorite books:“There are selfish acts, to be sure. But those acts arise from an empty self, as we try to fill our emptiness in ways that harm others—or in ways that harm us and bring grief to those who care about us. When we are rooted in true self, we can act in ways that are life-giving for us and all whose lives we touch. Whatever we do to care for true self is, in the long run, a gift to the world.”
— Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness (bolding mine)
Radical words, yes—but experience keeps showing me that they point to a radical truth!
Reaching for joy sometimes looks like attending to basic needs or just less suffering. As in my example above, sometimes when we’re having a hard time, “joy” may seem unimaginable. But reaching for just less suffering is a move along the same path—the path that can eventually lead to substantial joy. 💗
More Writing = More Joy
For me, one huge area that consistently brings me joy is writing. I’ve got my main novel going and other sporadic projects like poems and songs (I seem to need constant variety in my writing life!), but I’ve been thinking a lot about doing more with this Substack.
Blog Changes
As of now, I’m planning to seize more blogging-joy by:
Posting more frequently (when I can): aiming for 3x per week, varying in content type and length.
Using the Notes feature on Substack more freely: aiming to post at least one Note each day sharing things like “Joy of the moment,” “Sorrow of the moment,” “Mantra of the moment,” and “Opinion of the moment.”
I think this will feel like another way to access the sort of self-expression that brings me joy, without flooding your inboxes or devaluing my posts via inflation.
(I’ll add a “Notes” tab to my site in case you want to go look at them every now and then!)
Freeing myself from conventions of blogging/Substack that I was trying to follow in order to “do it properly,” even when they are effective strategies for others—for example, putting response questions at the end of posts. If something feels rigid or not authentic to me, I don’t want it. The main criterion: joy.
Well, how funny—in this case I actually do have a genuine question that I would truly love to hear anyone’s answers to: what brings you joy? 🌷
I hope this doesn't come across as shallow, but my first thought of 'joy' takes me to cranking up the volume of Stevie Ray Vaughan, head-bobbing and riffing air guitar...but mostly being in the presence of such soul! Talk about tears of joy ... flooded, Texas-style!
Brene Brown says joy is one of the hardest emotions to feel because we have to let ourselves be vulnerable in order to experience it. So I think your bedtime example makes total sense because you can't be vulnerable with unmet needs; your goal of wanting to be joyful with and for the girls let you take care of both yourself and them. Really powerful stuff!
There's a lot bringing me joy right now, most of it related to having just gone on a short trip with my awesome wife. We reconnected in that way that can only happen when you're away, you know? And I think I even reconnected with myself a little bit. Plus, we got to see wild ponies! 🐎