An insight I had recently:
When I perceive an area of my life that I wish to change, I tend to ask (often woefully), “How can I change it??”
For example: “How can I make more time in my life for writing?!??” and “How can I fix these issues of marriage/parenting/housekeeping/etc.?!??”
This sort of question does not tend to yield helpful results. Occasionally I may have some idea that helps a little; but overall, the “How can I change it?” question turns out to be really just unhappy feelings disguised as strategizing.
Here was my insight recently: in those cases, I’m asking the wrong question.
Instead, a MUCH more helpful question is: “Can I do something about it right now?”
For example: “Can I go write right now?” (or next/soon?)
or “Can I set a boundary right now?”
or “What would help most toward this goal right now?”
or “How can I take better care of my needs right now?”
This works because the right now—the present moment—is all there really is. The future is theoretical, imaginary, not real yet.
I can’t act in the future. I can act in the now.
Even better, practicing this act-right-now mindset over time will actually solve the “How can I change it??” questions anyway!
✨
River Roundup
Section posts since last time
⛲Fiction Fountain
a story about detaching from difficult family entanglements
🪷Serenity Splashes
with the source of my life force
A moment of connection with the little one inside is worth more than whatever else I might do with my time.
a poem for my beautifully atypical daughter, in her growing pains -- and also for my own past self
You didn’t ask to be different. You only want to blend in— but that takes all of your trying and leaves your heart worn thin. Amidst the chattering chickadees, of course you feel out of place— for you are a great blue heron, growing quiet power and grace.
a shifting position in my relating to others
I lived as if on tiptoes, always straining, reaching out to shield others from their feelings. Mine were nowhere to be found. How different and confusing, now, to let myself be seen on the ground, real and vulnerable-- and let others care for me.
a perspective
Worry tells us nothing about the future, dear. It only tells us how we're feeling right now and here.
📖 Commonplace Brook
My favorite quote from A Hidden Wholeness by Parker J. Palmer:
“When we are rooted in true self, we can act in ways that are life-giving for us and all whose lives we touch. Whatever we do to care for true self is, in the long run, a gift to the world.”
These words help me remember that tending to my true feelings and needs, far from being an act of selfishly abandoning others, is actually the best thing I can do for other people—because then I can operate with genuine, intelligent presence, instead of just carrying out the roles I’ve been taught to play.
A Marcus Aurelius quote that reminds me to live in the real and precious NOW:
“Casting aside other things, hold to the precious few; and besides bear in mind that every [hu]man lives only the present, which is an indivisible point, and that all the rest of his life is either past or is uncertain.
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
This reminds me to lasso my wandering ego-mind from its futile forays into the future and the past, and bring it close to my side, here in the small but precious realness of the present. 🌱
Such a great way to reframe. Trying to figure out how to change something usually feels so big, like you say, and anticipating a long, complicated process is almost never helpful! 😅✨