Ellie struggled awake in the dark, confused. The clock showed just after six in the morning. Wasn’t today her day off? She had worked in the post-surgical ward over the weekend, and today was Monday—yes, her day off. So why was her alarm ringing?
Then she realized it was a phone call ring, not her alarm. She swatted her hand around until it landed on her phone. Through bleary eyes, she saw it was her mother calling.
Ellie pushed the button to answer the call and croaked, “Hey.”
“Ellie?” Her mother’s voice sounded wobbly. “Are you up?”
“Yeah,” Ellie lied. “What’s going on?”
Then she sat up quickly as her old familiar fear woke up. Her heart began racing. Please, let Erica still be alive.
“I just wanted to let you know that we had to cancel the family credit card. Erica figured out how to hack it somehow, and she went out and used last night.”
“Oh, no.” Ellie let her head drop into her free hand. Her sister had been doing better for a while, trying to stay clean and get her life together. Now she would have to start that arduous process all over—if and when she was even willing to try. But at least she’s still with us. “Is she back home now?”
“Yeah. Sleeping.”
Ellie let out a breath. It was just another relapse. Sometimes Erica got into serious danger, legal trouble, and medical emergencies because of drug abuse and also suicide attempts. Ellie always feared getting a call with the very worst news.
Her mom made a sound that was a cross between a groan and a growl. “I’m so mad at her!”
“I get it,” she said. And she did. She even understood why her mom was calling so early, even though there was no real reason to wake up Ellie to tell her this. Ellie had been there for all of the ups and downs, and she still was. Their family was all in this struggle together.
“I was also wondering if you could come over later and help me. Your dad’s upset about the mess in the basement, so I’m going to work on cleaning it out today. I thought maybe if I got Erica’s old gaming stuff out, it would give her something else to think about…” Her mom’s voice trailed off for a moment, sounding weak and lost.
Ellie listened to all this with a sense of heavy clouds setting in. She was also remembering that Erica was currently mad at her, because Ellie had refused to give her money when she’d asked the other day.
After a moment, Ellie’s mom went on speaking. “Anyway, there’s some of your old stuff down there, too, and I thought you might take a look and see if you want any of it. It is your day off today, right?”
“Mm-hmm.” Ellie squeezed her eyes shut. She’d been looking forward to a much-needed day to rest and do some light tidying of her apartment. But she’d never been good at saying no to her mom, and right now, her mom really did need her support.
“I guess I could come over this afternoon,” she said.
“Great. Thank you, honey. I’ll let you go. I know you’re tired.”
“Okay. See you later.” Relieved to be done with the call, Ellie tossed her phone to the end of her bed and flopped back onto her pillow. She stared into the dark and listened to the quiet, broken only by occasional cars going by out on the main road.
She tossed and turned, but the possibility of sleep had vanished. Even here, in her lovely apartment near the town’s university, with her first job as a full medical doctor, her family always had a way of clattering back into her life.
~ ~ ~
Then she heard an actual clattering, followed by the sound of a rolling suitcase, and she remembered—this was the big day for her roommate, Tiana. She was leaving, bound for Kenya, to do compassionate medical work with the organization Doctors without Borders.
Ellie’s chest felt heavy with sadness. It wasn’t just that she would miss Tiana, who had become a good friend during the months they’d roomed together, but she also felt terribly envious of her. Ellie had wanted to work with Doctors without Borders since the first time she’d heard of it.
The idea of going to a faraway country, immersing herself in a drastically different culture and using her hard-earned medical skills to help people, sounded amazing. But she couldn’t imagine leaving her family, at least not while Erica was so unstable.
Ellie got up and went out to the living room, where Tiana was squeezing a pile of last-minute items into her suitcase.
“Do you need any help?” she said.
Tiana looked up at her and smiled. “Hey. No, I think I’m good. Thanks, though.” She finished zipping up her suitcase, then stood up and held out her arms for a hug, which Ellie gladly gave.
“I wish you were coming with me,” Tiana said.
Ellie huffed a sigh. “Me too.”
They pulled apart, and Tiana looked at her with sad eyes. “Ellie,” she said, then paused.
Ellie waited, feeling foggy with tiredness and sadness.
Finally, Tiana whispered, “How long are you going to let them hold you back?”
Ellie just stared at her, feeling both confused and stung. She had no idea what to say.
Tiana gave her a sad smile, then turned to grab her stuff. “We’ll keep in touch, okay?”
“Yeah,” Ellie managed to say. “Be safe.”
“Thanks. See you.”
“See you,” Ellie echoed.
Tiana walked out the door and was gone.
Ellie fought off an urge to sit down on the couch and cry. She’s just your roommate—get a grip, she told herself.
She took a deep breath and went to the kitchen for coffee.
~ ~ ~
An hour later, Ellie headed out for a run. It was still early enough that only a few students were out and about, and the early spring sun was just over the hills to the east of campus. She shivered as she stretched, and she zipped her jacket up higher.
It hadn’t taken her long, as a medical student, to figure out that exercise and fresh air were crucial for her to sustain energy enough for the brutal work of medical school and residency, so she became a devotee of running. She liked to jog on the well-kept campus sidewalks, and she had a route that took her on the least crowded paths around the university campus.
As she ran, Tiana’s words burned in her mind with flames of frustration, smoky sadness, and despair. How long are you going to let them hold you back?
She wanted Erica to be well and their parents to be at peace. Then she would feel free to travel and do what she wanted, without having to worry about them.
It’s not fair, she suddenly shouted in her mind, picking up speed, letting her feet pound angrily into the sidewalk.
Tears stung her eyes. She had never thought about her life in this way before. It felt almost sacrilegious somehow, yet also perfectly right. It’s not fair.
It wasn’t fair that Tiana got to go travel and live Ellie’s dream, while Ellie had to stay here until her sister was doing better and her family was more stable…which was starting to seem like it was never going to happen.
How long are you going to let them hold you back?
How dare Tiana say that to her, as if it was her own free choice?
She wasn’t free. Even now at the university, with her own life, her own apartment, and her own career, she was still tangled up in the web of her family’s troubles.
She couldn’t be a doctor without borders, she realized, because she was a doctor with borders.
Now her tears came spilling out. She spotted a quiet, shaded spot under some trees, and she sat down and put her head on her arms. She let herself cry.
After a while, she took a long, slow breath. She wiped her face with her hands and numbly watched a sparrow hopping around a nearby tree.
Maybe I’m just being selfish, Ellie thought. Yesterday during her shift at the hospital, she had helped with a Code Blue situation that resulted in someone’s life being saved, literally, right there. That put things into perspective. She was full of youth and health—what did it matter where she lived and what she did? She was privileged to just be alive.
And yet, said another voice in her mind, this is your one precious life—so why waste it doing anything less than what you truly want to be doing?
The thought felt so uncomfortable that Ellie jumped up as though stung by a bee. She brushed herself off and quickly started jogging again.
She had just worked up a good pace when her phone, in its special holder on her arm band, chimed with her mom’s text tone. She ignored it. She’d check it later, when she got back.
On a whim, she suddenly decided to vary her route, and she turned down a sidewalk that led to some classroom and office buildings. A few people were already entering them, as it was now nearly seven-thirty.
Ellie waved at a classmate she knew as she jogged by. This is my life right now, she told herself, in an optimistic mental voice. It’s cozy, friendly, meaningful, and comfortable. It’s perfect, really.
But at the end of a block of buildings, her feet slowed as if of their own accord, and she stopped to catch her breath in front of an office whose window she knew well, though she’d never been inside.
She took a long, slow breath while staring at a sign in the window that had words in both English and French:
Médecins Sans Frontières / Doctors Without Borders
Her phone chimed again, and she ignored it. She just stood there, breathing hard.
Her feet began stepping closer toward the entrance of the building.
Then, with hands that were somewhat trembling, Ellie pushed open the door.