My girls are sweet and kind-hearted. If you have an injury, they will want to help you. If you need to know how to do something that they can do, they will love to show you.
But if you want them to perform social conventions when they greet you—such as hugs, smiles, hellos, and polite conversation—they will decline.
With close family, friends, and anyone else they feel comfortable and familiar with, they spontaneously smile, talk, make eye contact, and show physical affection, in normal, natural amounts.
But if they don’t know you, haven’t seen you in a while, don’t feel comfortable with you, or even just aren’t in the mood—nope.
Here’s what will happen if you’re a relative stranger and you get up in their personal space with a loud and vague question like, “How’s school, girls?”:
The oldest one will slightly back away and avert her eyes, but she might still succumb to your social pressure and mumble a response of “good.” That’s the most you can hope for.
Her twin (who tends to take on the position of “middle child,” and who is the most overtly autistic of the three) will not acknowledge your presence in any way.
The youngest one will hide her face.
This is completely fine with me.
I understand that some people may find this behavior anti-social, standoffish, or rude.
They might say (and have said) that I’m failing by not forcing “social skills” upon my children.
But to me, given the world we live in, it’s far more important to teach my daughters to respect their own feelings and boundaries.
They are learning to trust themselves, listen to their bodies, and value their right to consent. That’s what I call true social skills!
They are learning natively what I had to learn, and am still having to learn, as an adult.
Besides, they’ve got plenty of time to learn the adult skills of “masking” and be able to appear polite when they want to. For now, they get to stay the children they are.
Here’s the trick 🐈
Listen, if you want to earn their affection and friendliness, there’s a way!
Don’t approach them like you would a dog, with big, tail-wagging energy—approach them like you would a cat, with quiet, gentle warmth and respect for their personal space.
Then offer them something to be interested in. For example: "Would any of you like to see a picture of my cat?”
And soon you will be great friends!
