Living Self-first

A poem about my journey from people-pleasing self-abandonment to healthy, joyful self-alignment

There’d always been a tyrant on my shoulder
whispering orders urgently in my ear—
“Make sure they like you,” “show no imperfections,”
“be what they need,” and, above all, “prove you care.”

Blindly, I rushed and strained to heed these orders.
Living others-first was all I knew.
I couldn’t see the tyrant on my shoulder,
planted by the world in which I grew.

But then I broke--and broke some more--until
I saw that living thus, I couldn’t survive.
It took much longer still, but finally, now,
I’m learning how to live self-first and thrive.

It turns out, living self-first is not selfishness
or abandoning others as though I don’t care.
It’s standing upright, my feet firmly planted
on my own ground, and growing out from there--

instead of leaning precariously around
others’ ground, or racing around in fear.
Living self-first means living as a real person,
honest, whole, open, and truly here.

It means accepting my facts and working with them,
and letting others help me with that too.
It means unlocking real love and intelligence,
and, most of all, joy that’s free and true.