I think my “authentic self,” my natural state, is one of being pretty constantly immersed in thoughts—thinking, writing, reading, reflecting, and processing.
Interacting with people and other aspects of the real-time world around me interrupts my flow of thoughts, and thus it feels like it interrupts me—like I am put on hold until I can be alone again. (And then I’ll probably need recovery time first, too.)
This is a daily, chronic experience of life for me, that I’m guessing is a feature of my autism—and specifically my “sensory avoiding” profile.
It’s very hard to hold onto a sense of myself—how I feel, what I think, what I’m interested in, what I need—in the midst of external activity.
(It’s so hard that I lived the first half of my life with approximately zero sense of what I felt, wanted, and needed. I just did what I was supposed to do, as I understood it, however hard it was.)
“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Self-Reliance”
I’ve always loved this quote from Emerson…but it’s much easier said than done!
When I have enough mental energy, I can keep a separate track going in my mind while in the midst of others: I can keep hold of things I’ve been thinking about or working on (such as a poem) and seize moments to jot things down in my notebook.
In these times, I also feel more truly present with the people around me (such as my kids)—more regulated, fulfilled, and joyful—and I think I literally am more present, because my sense of “me” is close, instead of banished to a waiting room.
But I can’t often do that…the overstimulation is usually too much.
I am actively trying various ways of helping my sensory-avoiding nervous system stay calm, grounded, and close to myself. I’ve found many things that can help, including:
speaking as little as possible
squinting my eyes to block out distractions and help me focus on what I’m trying to do
wearing noise-cancelling headphones, with music or audiobook playing
wearing sunglasses
carrying around a notebook & pen or a book
using a small fidget toy that I can keep in my hand (it really does help me stay grounded)
take as many breaks as I can, for getting back in touch with myself
say no to whatever external things I can
allowing my body to move how it wants to (at least at home), which can result in odd-seeming things, like my putting my hands over my eyes or ears involuntarily. (So far this has a lovely effect of transparency with my family: they can easily see and understand what I’m feeling without my having to wrangle it into words, and they don’t take it personally; they know it’s not about them.)
snuggling with dogs/pets as much as possible :-)
I aim to keep availing myself of these helps and whatever others I can find.
Each of us has our own journey of discovering our needs and growing in self-actualization. Thank you for witnessing this part of my path. I cheer you on with your own journey of learning to stay close to yourself. 🌻