🌊I want my writing to build bridges, not burn them
How can I show up more fully and authentically in my online writing, such that I am building bridges rather than burning them?
It’s been almost a year since I’ve been on Substack, and I feel like I haven’t yet been fully showing up here, in ways that go beyond my time constraints. I want my online presence to reflect me as an authentic person with whom people can genuinely connect.
Especially in light of our troubled political times, I particularly want to speak more openly of my own beliefs and my backstory, in case it could help make a difference. So far I’ve mostly been channeling that stuff into my novel (which I hope to start pitching to agents sometime soonish!), but I’d like to bring it into my online writing more as well.
It feels tricky, though, because to speak openly on important but fraught topics is to risk alienating people. I live in an area where the majority of people (including my own family members) identify with the Christian, right-wing, and/or MAGA tribe, which with I no longer identify. That’s no secret; but as long as we don’t talk much about politics or religion, we have functional peace.
I want more than functional peace. I don’t want to stay silent and afraid of ruffling feathers. I want to use what I’ve been through—and my love for writing—to try to make my world a better, healthier place.
The question is how to do that in the most effective way for me. I’m no militant protester or hotshot debater; I’m a quiet, sensitive thinker (i.e., if you come at me with scary rage, I’m likely to just dissolve into tears). I’m not interested in winning arguments—but I’m very interested in using writing to create meaningful connection.
Becoming a bridge-builder
Another way to say it is that I want my writing to not burn bridges, but build them.
This reminds me of what Eugenia Cheng says at the end of her excellent book The Art of Logic in an Illogical World:
“The best way I think that we can use this superpower [of intelligent rationality] to help the world is to bridge divides, foster a more nuanced and less divisive dialogue, and work towards a community that operates as one connected whole.”
— Eugenia Cheng, The Art of Logic in an Illogical World
In our world of violently polarized politics, we need bridges of connection to help us understand each other and find common ground upon which to make progress toward real change.
I want to be a bridge, not throwing stones from one side or the other, nor sitting passively aside while the violence goes on around me.
I want to refuse both silence and aggression, and instead reach my hands out to each side, with thoughtfulness and empathy. I won’t do it perfectly, but I can try.
How to show up in a bridge-building way
To return to the question of how: how can I show up more fully and authentically in my online writing, such that I am building bridges rather than burning them?
Here are my current guesses and the strategies I aim to try:
Start with gentle steps. As with any new pursuit, taking it slowly and gently seems like the way to build up my courage and skill.
My “Serenity Splash” poem from yesterday (“Runaway Train”) felt like one such step, because in it, I wrote more directly than usual about my very non-theist philosophy and worldview.
Write about plenty of personal and neutral topics in addition to the tricky ones. It seems to me that this will help overall to foster connections.
This is something I want to do anyway, because I have a LOT of interests and things I want to start blogging more about, including books, writing, and parenting.
Write from a place of regulation and groundedness. This seems like the most important thing of all!
As scary as it may feel to write something controversial, I’m realizing there’s a very big difference between angrily attacking people’s beliefs and writing thoughtful pieces about my experiences and working opinions.
I think people will be much more likely to respond well to the latter—which is much more conducive to building bridges.
I hope I can help the younger, more vulnerable parts of me grasp this difference through practice, and over time feel more confidence here.
I’ve got my anonymous Substacks for working through raw, vulnerable feelings about topics I’m currently healing around, so I’ll save that sort of content for those. Here on my public Substack (and in my corresponding social media), I’ll try to choose topics that I feel healed enough about to write with a sense of calm and collectedness.
This is really the same as my goal with parenting: to keep myself regulated and grounded (even communicating honestly about that with my kids, like, “Mommy needs to go outside and take some deep breaths for a minute,” LOL), so that I am not burning the bridge of our connection by blasting my raw feelings at them, but instead I’m building the bridge by showing up for them as a present, stable grownup—ready to help them handle whatever big feelings they may have.
Do you have other suggestions? How do you approach the tensions involved in wanting to connect meaningfully with people about tricky topics?
I hope you’ll join me in seeking to build bridges in our divided world—and in seeing what this particular tributary of my river will bring.
I can tell just from reading this that you're being thoughtful about it, and that to me is what matters most. Emotionally honest, authentic writing--like what you post here--works because you're speaking your truth, not just endorsing some side in an argument. I agree that starting small and gentle is a good idea, too. And don't forget about what you can say through your fiction! It's kind of the ultimate "show, don't tell" in my opinion. 😁
This is something I've struggled with too. I've decided that there are some topics that I'm just going to avoid sharing publicly, if I want to write about those then it won't be on this Substack. For other topics that I do feel comfortable writing about, but that I worry might upset some of the people I know read my writing, it becomes an interesting design problem: how do I share my strong opinions honestly without making people angry or making them raise their shields? One of the best tools I've found for this is humor, people usually don't raise their shields if they're busy laughing. Another is to acknowledge opposing points of view and show that you genuinely understand them and don't think they're crazy. Sandwiching the spicy articles between more neutral topics is a good one too, I saw that one was already on your list. Finally, phrasing things in a way that shows you are open to different opinions, like "this is my perspective" rather than "this is absolutely the way it is!" helps a lot too.