Here’s a model/schema I made up recently, putting together similar terms from different contexts, that is helping me understand myself better.
(1) Overfunctioning
I got this term from the excellent book Who Deserves Your Love by KC Davis. She writes:
“Someone who overfunctions in relationships is constantly reaching over that boundary line to take responsibility for things that are not their responsibility…
“Boundaries are about allowing us to give in ways that don’t harm ourselves or others and allow us to show up for people authentically.
“Overfunctioning isn’t about other people but about a lack of internal boundaries.”
Oof. I felt/feel like that pretty much sums up my life so far, especially in my growing-up years. It’s like I emerged into the world as a carefully honed cornucopia of people-pleasing, codependency, lack of boundaries, masking, and overfunctioning. I’ve done a lot of healing work and growth, but I still have a long way to go.
I also think that the concept of overfunctioning probably applies to all late-diagnosed, high-masking neurodivergent people—all those who have been straining all along to seem normal and fit into the mainstream work/school schedule, while actually having different needs from the majority.
So I’m trying to stop overfunctioning—pushing past my boundaries and needs to do what others want me to or what I think I’m supposed to.
With my kids, this mostly looks like stopping myself from doing things for them that I’ve mindlessly done for years because I “could” and because it was slightly harder to require them to do it for themselves. It’s not fun—we have enough meltdowns around here without adding extra disruptions to routine—but it does seem like the best path forward.
And I do have a handy, if nonideal, motivator for this practice: burnout!
That leads me to the next item in the schema:
(2) Underfunctioning
KC Davis uses the term “underfunctioning” to describe those who, in contrast to people who are overfunctioning in relationships, fail to “take ownership of the responsibilities on [their] side of the boundary line.” In other words, they let the overfunctioners do most of the work.
But I am applying the term “underfunctioning” instead to burnout—what happens when overfunctioners push too hard for too long and then just crash out. For example, they may enter a depression in which they can’t get out of bed.
I go through mild episodes of burnout pretty regularly. This is not surprising, given my strong pattern of overfunctioning. (I did have some major, really bad burnout crises when I was much younger, when I didn’t even know that self-care was a thing.)
I’m in a burnout phase right now, actually. So I’m trying to lean into it and use it as an opportunity to help myself correct for the ways in which I’ve been overfunctioning. For example, at this moment, I’m sitting outside on the deck (having taken a day off of work), utterly ignoring the huge amount of housework needing done. It will get dealt with sooner or later. Or it won’t. But I’m not going to break myself to do it.
“I cannot break myself any longer for you.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Burnout/“I’m not doing it” mode are not the ideal place to dwell forever, of course. So what is? What is the alternative to either “overfunctioning” or “underfunctioning”?
Once I asked that question, the answer was right there:
(3) Natural Functioning
I think I originally got this phrase, which I’ve been using for years, from Thich Nhat Hanh (in some book or talk that I cannot now locate), to describe the dynamic of living with mindfulness according to the natural functioning of one's body and mind, rather than by egoic effort to control things.
It can be hard for the ego-mind—especially under the influence of trauma and cultural programming—to not try to be in control of things. (That’s what my songs and “Serenity Splash” poems are for!) I find comfort in these words of Thich Nhat Hanh:
“All we need to be responsible for is the present moment. Only the present is within our reach. To care for the present is to take care for the future.”
Natural functioning is inhabiting the present moment, noticing your feelings and consulting your intuition. It’s letting your body and feelings guide you from moment to moment; it’s following the lead of your instincts, intuition, and intelligence.
It’s exactly what my evangelical Christian upbringing—and perhaps the larger Western culture in general—said not to do. Don’t trust your feelings; don’t “feed the flesh”; don’t heed your own wisdom. Trust instead to the great patriarchal authority, whose almighty wisdom you must never question, no matter how evil and absurd it may seem. It turns out, that’s a great way to keep masses of people (especially women) under control, but it’s not a great way to live a satisfying life as a thoughtful individual.
I’m so thankful I’ve found my way to learning to exist in a new way—neither overfunctioning nor underfunctioning, but functioning at my own natural pace, which is unique and ever-fluctuating.
River Roundup
Section posts from the past week
🖋️Writer’s Waters
🪷Serenity Splashes
Slow down, body, we're okay-- no need for fight or flight right now. To let our wise-mind lead the way, let's take our time to hear its sound.
You're a hero blazing trails, sometimes through thorns and heavy rains. What feels hard is not your fault. These are your hero's-journey pains. Compassion and respect to you, my friend--and may your sky show blue.
Worn and teary, torn and weary: need to rest-- read and nest.
Unless I ask,
please don't presume
to tell me what I need.
We're not the same,
so you do you,
and I'll look after me.
You
were never the problem.
Their love
was impossibly far
because
it was already broken.
You
were loveable—
and still are.