This is my third (and final, at least for now) essay in my series on self-relating. Part 1 was called “Cultivating an Inner Observer” and part 2 was “Creating an Inner Sanctuary.”
When I imagine a childlike part of myself that holds my rawest feelings, and then I internally speak to that part with kindness, empathy, and validation, wow: everything feels a lot better!
This is an area of learning and growth that I’m still very much in the midst of, but so far it seems so powerful that I feel like maybe this is it—that maybe getting the hang of comforting my inner child will equate to healing and enlightenment!
Defining “inner child”
I simply mean the childlike part of your mind that holds your most vulnerable and authentic feelings, such as sadness, joy, wonder, and hurt.
It’s the part that so many of us learned to conceal, suppress, and even outright abandon, in order to function in a harsh world.
Inner children?
Sometimes it may be more helpful to imagine not just one inner child, but multiple inner children, each carrying a different burden of trauma and pain. This is the model put forth in the book No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz (and the whole realm of Internal Family Systems [IFS] therapy, which sprouted from the book), which I’m currently reading and liking very much.
In this model, these inner children are all trying in their own ways to protect the core self, as they have been doing since literal childhood. For example, one of them might hold the experience of being left out—and try to protect against that pain through people-pleasing behavior. Meanwhile, another inner child holds the experience of hopelessness and abandonment—and tries to protect against that pain by pulling away from people when feeling vulnerable. I like this model very much.
Keeping it simple
However, most of the time for me, for now, it feels simplest and most effective just imagine one childlike part of myself who holds my rawest feelings, whatever they may be in a given moment.
It’s like I’m getting in touch with the actual child I once was, who still exists in me.
How the process works for me
1. Disconnection
Say I’m going about my day while worrying about something. At first I try to distract myself. Then I try to hush the worries. “Stop thinking about that,” I tell myself. “You’re being silly.” Guess how much these tactics help me stop worrying? Not at all.
2. Listening
Finally, I manage to get alone and quiet, and I give my full attention to my inner child. I say, “Would you like to tell me more about how you’re feeling?”
Yes: she pours forth more fears and pain than I was expecting. It feels like a childlike, face-crumpled whine inside me--and I allow it, instead of tamping it down censoriously. I listen to her say vulnerable, wounded things that the grownup part of me would never say.
3. Emoting
Then suddenly I’m crying, and there is great relief in the release of the feelings I’d been forbidding. The child in me feels like she is finally being allowed to feel her f***ing feelings! I feel much more connected to her, then—or perhaps it is that she feels more connected to me. Or maybe both!
4. Comforting
Then, in the newly cleared emotional space, I can speak to that child from my more grownup/observer self, using kind words of validation and compassion. I might say:
“I know, that feels scary.”
“It’s okay to feel that way.”
“What do you need from me?”
any other expressions of compassion, kindness, and validation that help my inner child feel cared for
And then I can move forward—feeling much more whole, self-connected, and at peace inside.
Soothing during stress
I’ve been finding it powerfully helpful to directly soothe my inner child when I’m in the midst of stressful situations—like getting my (literal) kids out the door when we’re already late, seeing messes all around my house but being too tired to tackle them, or worrying that a friend might be upset with me.
When I can manage to say something comforting to my inner child, it helps me to calm down and think more clearly.
Verbal comforting
More examples of things I might say:
“This is really hard, I know. You don’t have to do it all. We’re okay.”
“I hear that you’re feeling overwhelmed. Let’s slow things down. We’re going to be okay.”
“You’re doing a great job.”
“It’s okay if we don’t get there on time.”
“We’ll be okay even if someone else is feeling a bit mad at us.”
“Let’s try to find a way we can take care of you right now.”
Physical comforting
Bodily interventions can help, too, such as taking a deep breath, stretching or wiggling, doing “butterfly tapping,” feeling the texture of a fabric, squeezing a stress ball, or any other physical movement/sensation that feels helpful for system regulation.
One idea I particularly like is to hug a designated stuffed animal, to represent the hurting little one inside.
The guru of inner child comforting
If you are interested in developing this skill, too, please go check out the content of Fei Wyatt @yourwisemomfriend on Instagram or TikTok. The way she models talking kindly to her own inner child is teaching me so much, even about how to talk kindly to my literal children!
Go & grow!
My time’s up for the moment, but I hope to have more to say about this learning arc as I go and grow!
Please let me know if this stuff feels helpful and interesting to you—that may encourage me to hurry up and write/learn about it more!
I always identify with these essays and appreciate how you share your experience. ❤️ I tried identifying specific IFS parts a few years ago, but like you i find it easier to think of my hurt self as a single thing made up of all those varying insecurities. Kristen Neff's book on self compassion is pretty good, though it gets a little weird toward the end. Still, offering myself compassion and choosing not to feed or ignore the hurt has been a game-changer in much the same way you describe!