Allow me to introduce you to BGBO—rhymes with C3PO (from Star Wars), so it’s pronounced “bee-GEE-bee-oh”—an imaginary robot in my inner world who looks a lot like C3PO, but is metallic purple instead of gold.
“BGBO” stands for “best-guess best option.” What BGBO does is help me recognize when something is my best-guess best option, so I can stop my ruminating, second guessing, self-doubting, and perfection seeking. “This is my best-guess best option, until there’s a clear better option.” The end!
Then I can turn my energy and attention fully onto doing the thing, instead of questioning it.
(Does your brain work like this too, or is it just mine? I’m guessing it’s a feature of “Type A” personalities that are high in “neuroticism”; maybe it also goes along with autism, and certainly it’s a feature of anxiety. I think it also can be a product of developmental trauma, especially for eldest children, females, spiritual abuse victims, and others who absorbed a sense of “hyper-responsibility”—the sense that it’s on us to make sure everything goes okay.)
BGBO helps so much to slice through the fog of hyper-responsibility, pseudo-control, and compulsive self-doubt.
Back to the robot: I imagine myself in my inner world just flailing and wallowing around in a swamp of self-doubt…and then BGBO comes and pulls me out. (Then he takes me to a Grandmother Willow-like tree of compassion, where I can rest and recover for a while.)
BGBO can also help when I am feeling victimy and forced by circumstances to do things I don’t feel like doing.
For example, one morning recently I noticed I was feeling quite grumbly. I was tired and didn’t feel like doing the various things I had to do for my kids and pets. Further, I was feeling forced and even angry that I had to do those things when I didn’t feel like it.
I took a minute to try to help myself, and that was when I recalled BGBO—I recognized that doing those things was, in fact, my best-guess best option. Instantly, that shifted me out of that victimy mood and mindset to one that was empowered and self-compassionate. I acknowledged and accepted the difficult aspects of my reality, and I remembered that “none of this is my fault” (another mantra-like phrase for me) and that therefore I didn’t need to keep trying to somehow do better or make things better in some way. All I had to do was cope as best I could in the moment—which was much better without all that extra internal fussing.
That was BGBO pulling me out of the swamp!
You may ask: why don’t I just say “best option”? The modifier “best-guess” reassuringly reminds me that I don’t have to feel 100% certain about a decision in order to choose and act. That’s not how life usually works! All I have to do—the best I can do—is think through my options as well as I can, and then make my best guess.
Feel free to borrow BGBO for your own inner world! He’s very friendly! :-)
River Roundup
Section posts since last time
New section:
🫧Mist of Moments
A new, experimental section for brief snapshots in words of fleeting moments
“In this rare moment of quiet, I reach for writing. I want to try something new: describing the details of my here-and-now experience, as if they matter…because I have begun to believe they do.”
🪷Serenity Splashes
No, it's not perfect, but it's my best-guess best option, until there's a clear better one. So I take it, like a torch, to brandish at shadows of self-doubt, fear, and control-delusion.
some simple words to help me learn this concept…because I didn’t learn it growing up
My trust is a treasure (I finally see), not to give but guard. I'll gladly share it-- but only when I deem it safe from harm.
May your sun rise on easier times, your dark clouds fade to blue-- compassion to you who hold so much with no one holding you.
for my love in honor of his birthday
You're the Peeta to my Katniss. We're Hermione and Ron. You're the Kristoff to my Anna. We're Arwen and Aragorn. Both heroes in our own right, with gifts and struggles each, we join our paths for joy and love with every realm we reach.
Looking back on my years in high-control religion
"Stay in our bubble; there are monsters outside." So I did, and with all of my heart, I tried-- until finally, I just couldn't breathe. So I went out… and I was free. No monsters here; just fresh air. The monstrous place was the one back there.