The rules 
    we learn to follow
        follow us

and sometimes chase us down
    with shame 
        and stress.

"Keep it together." 
    "Smile."
        "Don't show pain."

The shadows 
    of our early rules
        remain,

darkening our minds 
    and moods,
        until

we learn to see 
    and rewrite them
        at will.

In the notebook

This part is hard,
but you’re finding your way.
Compassion to you.
Things will be okay.

In the notebook

I’m also including my journal entry that led to the composition of this little song. Here’s the text (with some editing):

I’m in the midst of these long days*…I’m trying to take care of myself as best I can.

Practicing self-compassion—like literally speaking words of self-compassion to myself (in my mind)—helps a lot.

While driving this morning, I heard my thoughts spiraling in feelings of despair about the struggles and the ways in which I’m “failing” my kids. I then managed to consciously intervene and say, “I’m in the process of finding my way/our way with these struggles. We just had a hard morning.** We’ll be okay.” That helped very much.

*of dance class rehearsals/recitals, school, work, and tiredness

**It was a morning of multiple kid meltdowns.

Although the book Self-compassion by Kristin Neff has been out since 2011, I only recently encountered and read it—and I’m so glad I did!

The book straightforwardly lays out what self-compassion is and why we need it, drawing on research performed by Neff and her colleagues.

Writing for a general audience, Neff discusses common points of resistance to self-compassion, examples of its healing power in different areas of life, and relevant stories from her own personal life.

I listened to the book as an audiobook through the Libby library app, and then I also went and bought a physical copy of the book (as I tend to do with books I listen to and love—I want to have them to reread, mark up, and refer back to).

Here’s a passage I liked from the opening chapter, for example:

“Self-compassion involves wanting health and wellbeing for oneself and leads to proactive behavior to better one’s situation, rather than passivity. And self-compassion doesn’t mean that I think my problems are more important than yours, it just means I think that my problems are also important and worthy of being attended to.” (p. 12)

Thus, self-compassion is not self-pity, self-indulgence, or selfishness. It’s also neither letting ourselves off the hook when we’ve hurt others, nor wallowing in guilt about it:

“If we’re consumed with feelings of shame and inadequacy because of what we’ve done, we are actually being self-absorbed…Self-compassion provides the emotional safety needed to take responsibility for our actions, consider their impact on others, and sincerely apologize for our behavior.” (p. 182)

There’s so much more deep wisdom in this book, but my time is running out for working on this post…

So let me say that as for me, because of this book, I have been practicing self-compassion more—telling myself things like, “This is hard, you’re doing just fine, it’s okay not to do all these things right now, you’re only human, just do what you can,” and so on…

And just like that, I’m changing my internal narrative!!

It’s truly revolutionary.

Perfect
   is what
      you don't have to be
         anymore.
The one
   this life
      that you're living
         is for
is you!
   Beautiful human
      you are--
messes and all--
   your molecules came
      from a star.

In the notebook

One morning recently, I managed to get up before everyone else (thanks to my dog Papaya waking me up—and to nobody waking me up during the night!). In the quiet, I could actually hear myself think, as I fixed myself some coffee and oatmeal.

I heard a song floating through my mind, probably sparked by some trivial connection. It was a song called “The Little Things” by Irish-folk group The Gothard sisters, in which they sing the famous Gandhi quote:

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

That led me to wondering what change I most want, that I’m trying to be.

I want a lot of changes in the world, of course, but very few of them are things I am currently equipped to actively address. I deeply admire people who are working hard to rescue children and others in need, to help animals and the planet, to effect political and social progress, to solve diseases and AI-related conundrums, and so much more. I love that they are being the change in those areas.

But as for me, I wondered, what change am I trying to be, in my life path as it is right now? (What would be your own answer, for your life right now?)

The answer that came up for me was mental health.

Of all the changes I wish to see in the world, that’s the one that feels most crucial for me personally to live.

I don’t have any kind of mental health-related job; but in my own life and personal growth, I’m working hard to develop and spread better mental health.

I’m learning to treat myself, my children, and others kindly—and to support our diverse nervous systems.

I’m grateful for that clarity about my values and my path!

In keeping with that self-chosen mission, I want to share a list I made recently in my journal, of things that help me regulate my nervous system—that is, to calm down and re-ground my mind. Making this list was an act of support to my own mental health!

Things that help me get calm and grounded:

• solitude (above all)—in which I’m not being perceived and my thoughts are not being interrupted by other people talking to me

• sitting or walking outside, especially in sunshine, extra-especially in woods

• taking a shower or especially a bath, extra-especially by candlelight

• being around animals, especially snuggling with my dogs (and sometimes cats)

• writing, especially a poem, then journaling, then projects & blog posts

• listening to audiobooks and music in my headphones

• knitting

• reading

• organizing my books and notebooks

• “puttering”—gently restoring order to my living space

• resting—especially lying facedown

• “nesting”—making myself a bed-nest (with my satchel and something to eat & drink) and staying in it for a while

• “book-making”—printing out stuff I’ve written and cutting it to size with scissors, and attaching it into my current notebook/s where relevant

• eating spicy chips—I think the spiciness and crunchiness help me come back to awareness of my body.

• drinking cold water/beverage or hot tea

• voice memo-ing or talking to my close friend/s

• (sometimes) scrolling Instagram, especially reading funny posts (such as by @iamthirtyaf)

• (sometimes) hanging out with my husband (when we’re not stressed!)

• (sometimes) exercise—such as stretching, walking, dance-cardio, and calisthenics—oh and especially swimming, when I get to

What are some things that help you regulate your nervous system? Your list may involve other sorts of things like:

• smelling incense or perfume

• going for a drive

• drawing

• meditating

• being loud and silly (that one applies to my husband and kids…unfortunately for my own quiet-loving nervous system!)

I’d love to hear what works for you!

River Roundup

Section posts from the past week

🌀Divergence Deeps

When setting up this latest new section, I accidentally sent out this post to everyone, instead of restricting it to section-only. I aim to fix that for future posts. If you do want to receive notifications of new posts for this section (and/or other sections), go to your subscriptions management page and select which sections you want to receive.

🪷Serenity Splashes

verse-reflection on relating to anxiety

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You’re clinging, nerves wringing,
to an illusion of control.

You can let go, little ego.
Take my hand. We're here and whole.

a sonnet about mindfulness and healing

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Ego is a puppet of tomorrow,
chasing phantom safety without end,
trying to own what it can only borrow,
not realizing its power is pretend.

A creature who is real lives in the moment,
navigating through experience,
allowing feelings, so the mind stays open
to take in facts and choose next acts with sense.

It's not poor ego's fault it's so deluded.
It's like a child in the wild alone:
it needs a bigger mind to help and soothe it--
one who's real and now, not puppet-sewn.

For those who grew in fear instead of care
now must learn to care for fear still there.

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You don't have to bully yourself anymore.
It's not your fault life is so hard.
Being kind to yourself, as though to a friend,
will serve you better by far.

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The hungry mouth of suffering

needs compassion

        on compassion

          on compassion.

The hungry mouth of suffering

needs compassion

        on compassion

          on compassion.

In the notebook

You don't have to bully yourself anymore.
It's not your fault life is so hard.
Being kind to yourself, as though to a friend,
will serve you better by far.

In the notebook

When I look back on my growing up years, I’m boggled at how much time I spent in places and situations that felt uncomfortable to me—so much of school, church, and youth group, especially.

But it was all I knew; it was the air I breathed. There was no use in paying attention to my feelings of discomfort, because they were just part of how the world was. There wasn’t even a concept of “I am feeling uncomfortable”—just “this is how life feels.”

Now, decades later, as I sit at my kids’ dance studio feeling uncomfortable with the noise and people moving around me, I understand that this is not just how the world is. This is an experience of suffering particular to my special needs (i.e., autism)— which now I do pay attention to, make discerning choices about, and find ways to accommodate.

Life feels infinitely better now, and I’m infinitely grateful.

Ego is a puppet of tomorrow,
chasing phantom safety without end,
trying to own what it can only borrow,
not realizing its power is pretend.

A creature who is real lives in the moment,
navigating through experience,
allowing feelings, so the mind stays open
to take in facts and choose next acts with sense.

It's not poor ego's fault it's so deluded.
It's like a child in the wild alone:
it needs a bigger mind to help and soothe it--
one who's real and now, not puppet-sewn.

For those who grew in fear instead of care
now must learn to care for fear still there.

In the notebook

You’re clinging, nerves wringing,
to an illusion of control.

You can let go, little ego.
Take my hand. We're here and whole.

In the notebook

One major aspect of my growth journey is learning to take my own needs seriously—enough to apply my best intelligence to the project of accommodating them.

Maybe most of us are still learning to relate to our needs this way. Unless you grew up in the care of emotionally mature parents who showed you how to relate to your needs with matter-of-fact consideration, you are probably somewhere on this same journey with me.

Part of this growing-up work is understanding that our needs are not merely optional. We really do need sleep, food, water, functioning bodies, shelter, income, connection with others, etc. Beyond those obvious and universal needs, we also really do need the particular things that help our particular nervous systems stay regulated. These vary from person to person (exercise/rest, organized living space/creative messiness, quiet/background noise, solitude/social time, etc.), but they’re still critical; they’re not just quirks or idiosyncrasies.

I was recently reading about Temple Grandin, and she seems to me like a role model in this area. Her nervous system reacted strongly against human touch, but she still needed the calming pressure of being held—and this led her to eventually create her squeeze machine. Of course, she did have the advantage of resources that not all of us have, but I think it’s amazing that she took her needs so seriously that she created something entirely new in pursuit of accommodating them.

By contrast, I learned from an early age to ignore my needs and feelings. My whole existence was a carefully honed performance of untroubledness for the benefit of my family and church. It wasn’t even just a performance—I became that role. “I am one who is fine and good”: that was my identity—until I just couldn’t manage to do it anymore.

So it makes sense that for a long time after I learned about autism, I thought I couldn’t be autistic because “I didn’t have sensory needs.” Ha! Of course I didn’t think I had sensory needs: that would require treating my feelings like they mattered.

Now that I’ve finally started doing that, here I am with my noise-cancelling headphones and sunglasses indoors, hiding from people who might interrupt my precious trains of thought, struggling with the itchy seams of my pants…and so on. I majorly have sensory needs. It turns out, everyone has them—that’s what it means to have a body! Some of us are just more high-maintenance than others.

Here’s what I have been learning about my own particular needs lately: I have a real, valid, sensory need for quiet and solitude—uninterrupted mindspace in which to think, create, and write.

What helps me own up to that fact is the belief that it’s not my fault that my current life circumstances do not accommodate this need well—but it is my job to keep trying to find ways to accommodate it.

I think that starts with taking my need for quiet, solitariness, and writing time much more seriously. It’s certainly difficult, being a mother of young kids, but this is my challenge and my path. It’s my practice, my koan, my question to live.

Plus, the more I keep trying to accommodate my own needs along with theirs, the more I will teach and show them how to do the same.

Some further thoughts on the how of this:

• I want to stop thinking of my need for solitude as optional—or, worse, something to apologize for…which I’m kind of endlessly doing, when it comes to my perceived failures of staying in touch with people.

• I want to proactively and ongoingly look for ways to meet this need, both externally (such as trying to make new regular times for writing and solitude) and internally (by cultivating a richer inner life and practicing mental boundaries more—that is, detaching emotionally from others and attaching closer to myself). I know that writing is my #1 tool here…so I need way more writing!

  • One thing I’m trying right now toward that end is the Story a Day in May challenge. I’ve only gotten one story partly written so far…but that’s better than zero! And I’m glad to have the push. Anyone want to join me? (I asked my faithful writer friend to join and he said he’s in! How’s it going so far, Josh?)

  • I’ve also found my way to the Finch self-care app, where you can set self-care goals and get little rewards. If any of you use it and want to be “friends” on there, let me know!

What specific-to-you needs have you been dismissing or ignoring, instead of taking seriously and seeking ways to accommodate? May we keep finding ways to accommodate our needs so we can be the best versions of ourselves. 🌻

River Roundup

Section posts from the past week

☔️ Parenting Puddles

“So the content doesn’t matter when my kids are melting down: what they need is co-regulation, until they’re feeling steady again and ready to function. Then we can calmly discuss the content of the meltdown.”

🪷Serenity Splashes

a fun poem for Earth Day (belatedly)

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Winter does its duty,
then spring shakes its booty
till summer's indolence--
then fall restores sense.

I'm grateful for the chance
to join this earthy dance.

a reminder for my anxious mind

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It’s not my job 
  to control how things go
or to keep people happy.
  I can’t, anyhow.

It is my job
  to attend to the needs
of my body and mind
  in the here and now. 

on looking past the hills to see the mountains

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Welcome, new hero.
  You have the right
    to your own choices:
      it's your life!

Pushing back 
  against the ones
    who held you back
      is just step one:

now you step 
  up to the throne
    and rule your life
      like it's your own.

on creating

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Whenever you go to create,

look inside you, not outside--

not what others say and make--

follow what lights up your mind.

Whenever you go to create,

look inside you, not outside--

not what others say and make--

follow what lights up your mind.

In the notebook

Emerson connection

Welcome, new hero.
  You have the right
    to your own choices:
      it's your life!

Pushing back 
  against the ones
    who held you back
      is just step one:

now you step 
  up to the throne
    and rule your life
      like it's your own.

In the notebook

It’s not my job 
  to control how things go
or to keep others happy.
  I can’t, anyhow.

It is my job
  to attend to the needs
of my body and mind
  in the here and now. 

In the notebook

It seems to me that practically speaking, everything goes back to our nervous systems. They run the show of our lives.

When my kids are melting down, it’s because their nervous systems are activated into threat response. Same with the husband, and same with me. Same with other people in other contexts, as well.

This is why authoritarian approaches to parenting are ineffective and traumatizing. Creatures in threat response won’t benefit by being commanded to behave properly. They need to feel safe again.

So the content doesn’t matter when my kids are melting down: what they need is co-regulation, until they’re feeling steady again and ready to function. Then we can calmly discuss the content of the meltdown.

This usually looks like slowing and quieting things down and taking time to sit with them, help them calm down, and listen to what they need.

And the most crucial thing of all, therefore, is focusing on regulating myself—staying observant of how I’m feeling and practicing my go-to regulation and self-soothing strategies to help myself in moments of dysregulation.

I’m still finding my way with all of this, but this model seems like the most effective one I’ve found yet. It’s just a matter of keeping on practicing it…because it’s not easy!!

It’s like my poem from a few years ago called “Our Bodies Drive Us More than We Know”:

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My toddler launches herself onto the floor and cries
	when she’s tired.

My older kids fixate on random demands
        when they're hungry.

My husband picks fights
	when he’s stressed.

My friend thinks of suicide
	when she hasn’t been sleeping.

I spiral in anxiety
	when I’m overstimulated.

Our bodies drive us more than we know.

May we learn to take care of them
	without being taken in by them.

Through every day’s meltdowns, tantrums, squabbles, and tears, that’s what I’m still trying to learn. ☔️

Winter does its duty,
then spring shakes its booty
till summer's indolence--
then fall restores sense.

I'm grateful for the chance
to join this earthy dance.

In the notebook

“So many secure facilities [to break into], so little time.”

— The Arctic Incident, book 2 of the Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer

When I reread that facetious line recently, it occurred to me that that common phrase might be useful for a deeper purpose.

“So many _____, so little time”: how would you fill in the blank?

Keep the gleeful spirit of the phrase—chuckle evilly, grin with crazy eyes, or rub your hands together in delicious anticipation.

What is the object of your eagerness?

Your answer (or answers) can direct your attention to your interests, reminding you that they exist and that your time for engaging in them is not infinite.

In this way, the question activates the motivating power of scarcity and urgency in a positive direction—the direction of what truly interests and excites you.

For example, the first two things that jumped to my mind were “books to read” and “things to write.” (More serious and profound things, such as “moments with my kids to make the most of,” came a bit later and were farther from the gleeful tone.)

My husband might answer “estate sales to scout for cool antiques and hidden deals.” My friend would answer “languages to learn” and “animals to rescue.”

What’s your answer? Whatever it is, may you get some of it today! I’m off to try to get some writing and reading!!

River Roundup

Section posts from the past week

(formerly “Sunday Springs”—I’m changing the name because I can’t always get it done on/by Sunday)

☔️Parenting Puddles

“The key that clicked for me is that I can be firm and authoritative without harming them. Just because some adults are cruel and abusive to children doesn’t mean that it’s not possible to be both authoritative and kind.”

🪷Serenity Splashes

See full posts for my audio recordings of the poems, plus notebook snapshots and photo captions.

a chant

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Slow down.
  I'm okay.
Let my feelings
  point the way.

Life is hard,
  but I can choose
how to meet
  each moment's news.

another chant for healing-help

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It's okay to stay in here.
Let boundaries counter fear.

   I don't have to leave myself
   to placate everyone else.
 
      That was life before.
      Now my life is more.

   I'm learning to protect
   my needs and self-respect--

to stay on my own side
and in my core abide.

What I’m learning lately

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It's okay to stay inside my shell--
to be quiet, still, and close to myself.
I don't have to constantly spell
out my status for everyone else.

Like a turtle, I can wait
with quiet as my shield and home
until I'm ready to relate,
calmer for the time alone.

a reminder

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Good thing I don’t have to defend 
myself in your esteem. 

My happiness does not depend 
on what you think of me.

a poem in English & French (just for fun)

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There is always change
in the world outside,
so look to arrange
my world inside. 

~~
Il y a toujours du changement
dans le monde à l’extérieur,
alors regarde l’arrangement 
de mon monde à l’intérieur.

Good thing I don’t have to defend 
myself in your esteem. 

My happiness does not depend 
on what you think of me.

In the notebook

This one is from several months ago; I found it and decided to give it life, because I do chronically need this perspective reminder.

It's okay to stay inside my shell--
to be quiet, still, and close to myself.
I don't have to constantly spell
out my status for everyone else.

Like a turtle, I can wait
with quiet as my shield and home
until I'm ready to relate,
calmer for the time alone.

In the notebook

This one took a few tries—and the concept will probably generate a few more poems, at least, before I’m done with it, because of how important this learning is being in my life. (My recent poem “It’s okay to stay in here” was another similar attempt.) (For more about the content I’m working with, see my essay “Speaking Less, Sparkling More.”) Claiming the right to speak less is significantly improving my quality of life!!

There is always change
in the world outside,
so look to arrange
my world inside. 

~~
Il y a toujours du changement
dans le monde à l’extérieur,
alors regarde l’arrangement 
de mon monde à l’intérieur.

In the notebook